I will make a post secret and place it into a post secret book in one of the bookstores here in town.
because maybe late at night I sit and think of where I went wrong, but I never sit and think of where YOU went wrong. Almost every day since last summer up until last weekend was spent trying to make YOU happy. Yet I knew that in the long run you could never make ME happy. I had this mind-set of you, and it was made of this thought of what I wanted you to be while I knew that would NEVER be you. As I drove my friends home from the Sex in The City 2 premiere everyone was feeling apathetic as they drowned in the false pretenses’ that pop culture shoves down our throats. As everyone drew out their phones I thought for a split second about texting you, but what good would that do? I wasted so much time on you to be dropped like a bad habit. The words you uttered to me Saturday made me realize I was no longer what you wanted. I felt my heart drop not only an inch because what you gave my heart was not real. Nothing has ever been real since my last relationship, even if it wasn’t as perfect as I made it seem my heart has never been so happy. Sometimes I think nothing will ever feel real in my heart ever again. I wonder if I will ever feel the sense of comfort that I felt with him? I wonder if I will ever find someone who loves music as much as I, someone who enjoys fashion, someone who has an amazing humor but can still be serious at the same time. I wonder if there is someone out there for me?
If you are…Don’t keep me waiting I can’t wait to fall in love with you.
You want the truth? Well, here it is. Eventually, you forget it all. First, you forget everything you learned - the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you didn’t really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers; and eventually you forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit, and your best friend’s home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college, who threw the best parties, who had the most friends - you forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They’re the last to go. And once you’ve forgotten enough, you love someone else
Bottled up in my head are memories of the person that I once was. That one girl with many flaws and not a care in the world. The same girl who was in denial about how much of a complete wreck she was. The same exact girl who would drink away her sorrows every single weekend.
That girl…well that girl she’s gone, and part of me wishes her care-freeness would return, but that’s all. I sit here now with a different perspective on life, and I’m not too sure how much I’ve changed, but all I know is that I have changed in ways I am so grateful for. I’m no longer that lost little girl who spoke hateful words to others just because she hated herself, and well now I hate myself for hating others. Now, I feel calm. I love my life and where I’m going, and I know everyone in College has it their own demons that they’re trying to defeat. I seem to have found myself and have finally grasped a hold of my dreams…Two or three years ago if you would have asked me if I saw myself doing this good I would have undoubtedly answered “FUCK NO”. I was…well I was out there. I can actually say that I am happy. I have the most amazing family out there and my mom she’s my rock. The most amazing person I have truly met. We’ve had some hard times throughout my life, but I guess God’s realized how much she’s struggled for me and he’s finally repaying her. Two weeks from now I’ll be starting my summer adventure which is to successfully pass my three summer school classes so I can be eligible to transfer out of El Paso. I should have left right after graduation, but I was a fool. I was too caught up in high school and not my future. By August I should be applying to all of candidates for my “meal ticket out of El Paso”. Leaving is all too surreal for me when I start to think of it I start to freak. I have such a good life here, everything handed to me on a platter. I have no job, school is literally my job. I don’t have to worry about money my parents provide that, but all of this is not fulfilling. In a little more than five months I will be turning twenty years old. I can’t live off of my parents much longer, and I know they say that “School is your job Darlene, you do not need any worries, your only worries should be about your future and your degree”. I can’t. I can’t stay here and pretend that i’m happy. Money doesn’t buy happiness, at least for me it doesn’t. El Paso isn’t where I belong anymore… I left this city behind a few months ago and now I feel like I’m walking alone. I want to be able to tend for myself. I don’t want to have to worry about offending anyone or worrying about impressing anyone anymore like the way I do in this incredibly small yet huge city. I want to be in a city where no one knows me. I want to start fresh. I want to blossom to my fullest potential. I want to look back on my college days when i’m older and be like “That was the best decision I ever made”. I want to be able to finally be me without being suffocating. I want to be able to stay at home without being called a “lameass” or I want to be able to go to a party get drunk with my new friends and no one know about my past so no former “skeletons” from previous drunk situations surface. I just want to go somewhere other than here. I’m tired of being judged. Tired of being used. Tired of being here.
So this is my farewell to all of my emotions I have left from the person I once was…
G O O D R I D D A N C E .
And here is a warm welcome to all of the beautiful encounters my life will bring me in the upcoming months…
I A M S O G L A D Y O U F I N A L L Y C A M E .
When you sit in someone’s passenger’s seat you’re supposed to feel like you belong…especially if it’s someone your interested in. When you sit shot gun it’s like you’re their wingman literally their “right hand man”, but man oh man I have never felt so uncomfortable in a seat in my life. We’re not compatible. You may think negative thoughts about me after you read this and i’m sorry, but I need to get it off of my chest. You’re rude uncaring and did I mention RUDE? You think the whole entire world revolves around you and every aspect of your life. You make me feel insignificant, you make me feel like a complete failure. You’re inconsiderate and brag about the things we already know. If we know, we know. There’s no need to rub it in everyone’s face. It only makes me hate you more and more. You think you’re so much better than everyone, and it hurts me. I would’ve thought you’d be a sweetheart, a gentleman. I thought college would make you everything I wanted, but you’re exactly what I don’t want. Thanks for pushing me to achieve the best but you’re just not the one for me. I don’t need to wish you luck you have enough of that. Farewell.
Being that pushover friend. I will do anything for my friends and right now at this point I realize that I do too much and they expect it from me, but when I need things from them it’s too much of a fuckin hassle. Fuck that, seriously. I’m done being people’s chauffeur’s and doing shit for people who are fucking unappreciative. This is the EXACT reason why I love my best friends so fucking much, I know we have our fights, but they’d never leave me to be alone like that. Thank the lord it is summer.
I just want Finals to be O-V-E-R!!!!!!!! Hopefully in the next eight to nine Hours I will have submitted my History Essay and my first year of college will be complete! I’m sooo insanely excited and proud of myself at the same time….
come to think of it in a few weeks my summer school journey will begin, and once i’m done with my classes I can start applying to different schools:)
Life is so sweet right now, I think I have a cavity;)
- Jackie: Alright, so you guys need to pair up with a partner and tell them all the good positive things they do.
- Michelle: Oh well Darlene you know you say nice and positive things like...HEY YOU'RE AN ASHOO!
- .....two months later.....
- Jackie: Alright guys pair up with a partner and read some of your self evaluations
- Darlene: Michelle, Michelle read mine...hahahahaha
- Michelle: (reads off Darlene's paper) "What is a life lesson you have learned? And what do you do with that lesson?....(Darlene's response) Well I have learned I should ALWAYS drink Liquor before beer because then i'll be in the clear, and well then I rage and I fist pump till the early dawn then I wake up in the mornin' feelin' like p.diddy".....Did you seriously just write that?
- Darlene: Yes, hahahaha now read Paulina's!!!
- Michelle: (reads off Paulina's paper) "Who is someone who will be truly honest to you? and what are some truthful questions you can ask them???......(Paulina's Answer)....I'll ask Kevin: Why am I so badass? Do you want to be like me? Are you jealous that I made you?".....HAHAHAHA WTF?
- Alyssa: Littles, (Darlene & Paulina) let me see your papers!
- Darlene & Paulina: UHMMM IT'S PERSONAL!!! hahahahaha
- .....Oh Monday meeting's how i'll miss you.
I paced the streets of downtown today with one of my best friend’s in toe, and it was nice. It was different, but it wasn’t fulfilling. That’s what life here seems to me. I feel like the glass is half empty. I’m incredibly privileged, but I just don’t feel a sense of calm or happiness here anymore.
I want to get out of this town I want to discover things. Most Importantly, I want to discover myself. This fall I will be applying to several different schools three of them being my dream schools, the rest are places I know I would be happy. No matter where I end up in January I know it is the best decision for me, and no one could alter my decision to leave. I know it may break a few hearts and leave many people to feel alone, but I have to live for myself not for anyone else. The next eight months of my life will definitely be one hell of a ride…
In a matter of a day I have come to realize that someone I never expected was the one who held my heart at this precise moment in time. I’m not too sure if it’s good or bad, because I know this will end up nowhere,
but I am completely flustered by myself, my reactions and emotions. You know that moment in time when you realize your emotions are too out of control you really don’t know what to do with them? Yeah, that’s me at this exact moment in time. I don’t want my feelings to be there I want them gone, and I definitely do not want them ruining anything for me. I wish I could just tell my mind to stop, but it’s on a little trip right now and refuses to answer any of my calls. Oh well I guess I’ll have to deal.
Almost a year ago. Today I sat in my best friends Jeep and reminisced on old times spent together. We laughed at the fact that this time last year I was a COMPLETE wreck and she was too busy chasing her boyfriend around the block in flip flops attempting to beat him…she successfully ended up uppercutting the hell out of him:)
I have come along way since those nights sitting outside of Domino’s with her. I find myself in a sense of happiness that I have never ever felt. When I got home I sat here and thought about how truly blessed I am to have my best friends still by my side; the ones that matter anyway. So this is to YOU Nadia, Ashley, Tanya, and Chrystina. I love you guys. No one will ever be able to replace you guys and your sarcasm, sailor mouths and perverted minds. I love you all soooo much and God has done me good by putting you in my life.
It’s been a little over a year since I have had anything that resembles a relationship. Sure I have those people that are there just to help me pass the time, but none of them have been able to keep me happy. Not necessarily “smile” worthy happy, but in the means of a “happy heart”. I want someone I can be myself around. Who likes The Maine as much as I, and wouldn’t mind staying in and having movie night. I just want to be able to lay down one night, and say “I’m truly happy”. I want to be able to feel completely loved, not half a fourth or a quarter. I want to be in love; that “heart stopping, gut wrenching” kind of love it seems everyone else has except for me.
In a little more than a week the first year of my college experience will be over. I cannot say that this whole year was what I expected, because it surpassed by expectations by a million miles. For a while I thought I had lost myself…I felt alone, but as time progressed I feel like I have found the true me. I have 40 new beautiful sisters, and can still say I have my best friends by my side. I fell in lust for no longer than a night, raged till I felt like I was on Jersey Shore and Laughed till my stomach hurt. All of this I never expected to happen, but I am so blessed that it did.
It is now that I realize that I am one year closer to being out in the real world, and out of this fantasy we call “College Life”